I know that the cost/benefit dynamic in a relationship, which some calls giving/receiving dynamics, is not a new concept. So, I am not surprised to find papers that describe in mathematical terms a relation and the underlying second law of marry-dynamics (http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0009881 open access)
What I am interested to talk about are the perturbation to this simple optimization. As such, a perturbation will bring far from the optimal conditions. How far, it depends from the magnitude of the perturbation. Is this sufficient to reach a new optimal state (maybe, a divorce)? It depends on the surrounding of the initial optimal conditions. Resistance to perturbation, in a real system, ensure that the relationship remains solid. I think we can classify the resistance under two categories:
Tolerance allows to resist perturbation, by extending the surrounding of the initial optimal conditions. Say, your partner become violent. You can buffer the violence to some extent, then you give up and move to another state of relationship
Expectation means that, even if the perturbation is very ample and potentially destructive, you resist as you know that this state of things is only temporary.
In both cases, the resistance to perturbation requires a limit, otherwise the person enduring the perturbation (assuming that the other is causing it) will eventually destroy the partner.
The resistance to perturbation is therefore a very human act, an attempt to solve problems, a (less positive) will to maintain a status quo. It is important to perceive and define the limit, and also the motivation that bring us to move the limit away from our safety, in a dangerous zone of abuse and violence.
the gain for a better understanding of the limit and its motivations is immense: you got your life back and recover full use of your brain.
My kids are away since few months, as their mother brought them away without my consensus. This is the final result of a toxic relationship, where I was not able to see the violence, the lies, and the damage that my abusive partner was putting in the relationship. Since I have not seen the kids in six months, I feel that my memories of them are brutally interrupted at that time. All the songs, all the games, all the images I have in mind refer to a time that is gone, cause the kids grow fast. I know I will hug them soon, though, and this great expectation keeps me going.
While waiting the usual 8+ hours in Doha airport on my way to Singapore, I have time to write, enjoy people watching and think.
A well-known economy principle says that we do something only if the benefit of doing so (changing) is higher than the related cost. Nothing new here, but it is surprising how this principle is well-known to kids, adult and community. Chemically speaking, it can be described in terms of kinetic and activation potential. Understanding this principle leas to better decisions. Think about it next time you enjoy a meal or do nearly any action. Exceptions? The application to community require an average or some sort of weighing, to account for the needs of different people and classes. The problem is, as usual, who decides the weighing method…
Despite a long life experience, I am still surprised how simple is to take advantage of the rules that govern a community. There are elements that, like parasites, understand enough these rules to twist them to their advantage. Learning how to isolate and possibly punish these perturbative elements should be one of the most important function of any given society.
Interesting discussion with a couple of retired teachers about teaching techniques, particularly how to retain information and to provide multilevel lectures to students. I will apply these ideas next week, as I will start my teaching in Asia!
Many things happened in this intense week. Just today, I was requested to collaborate with a researcher that deals with regulated substances. However, very little information is available and the feeling of being attracted in the under-wood is strong. That makes me thinking on a more general level. We all know that part of the research inn the University is a dead end, and many researchers keep doing it for faith and habit, not because they really think that it will be fruitful. So, the difference between a dubious start-up and a questionable research group is only the University and its credibility. As researchers, we should be careful not to waste this patrimony of credibility.
Communication is a priority in relationships, even those that are over. The process is dynamic and never simple. One should carefully balance rationality and emotions, keeping a door open while remaining firm on the principle. Next time you are looking for a conflict-resolution person, ask to a divorced man or woman!
There are great research institutions in your geographical backyard, if you only search for them. Maybe they are not extremely competitive as they are embedded in a weak industrial and marketing fabric, but they exist nonetheless. Look around and keep a positive attitude.
Thanks to the many friends that listened to my words, help me with my problems or simply mantain a solid presence in my life. I am in debt with you and you can count always on me.